When is enough, enough?

The curse of discontentment never ends, unless we can figure out how to break the cycle.

I feel like I have gone through my entire life, not ever truly content. No matter what I have or achieve, I seem to be one of those people who always wants more. I often wonder, when will enough be enough?

Will I go through my entire life never truly satisfied because I am reaching for some feeling of satisfaction that may not exist here on this Earth?

My feelings of discontent have stolen my joy and robbed me of celebrations. The problem with not being content is that you always think that the next accomplishment, success, or phase of life will make it better, and bring that feeling of having arrived - but it never does. You get accepted into that college, then you need a job. You get the job, but then you need a better job. You get a better job, but then you need a promotion, and so on and so forth.

The truth is, the curse of discontentment never really ends, unless we can figure out how to break the cycle, right here, right now. So how do we find contentment?

That’s probably one of the biggest questions of my life. For those of us who are never satisfied, when is what we have enough? Maybe the real question lies within - when are we enough for ourselves? Because if I am not enough for me - nothing I ever do or accomplish, or obtain, or build will ever be enough either.

I used to think that always wanting more and never being satisfied was a good thing. I mean, it motivated me to always be better and reach for higher goals. But, if I don’t learn to be content along the way, how much is ‘better’ really worth? It’s a vicious cycle that pushes you forward but doesn’t provide time and space for the peace and joy that is worth much more than achieving success you can’t fully embrace and enjoy.

I thought that it was okay to be hard on myself, because even if I was unsatisfied with myself internally, I wasn’t hurting people around me. However, that is simply untrue.

When I can’t learn to be content with myself, I can’t be content with anyone else either.

If I don’t know how to receive grace, I can’t give grace out to others. I can’t hold myself to an impossible standard and expect that there won’t be collateral damage to those around me, and the standards I am holding them to, whether I know it or not.

It’s the age old saying - you can’t love if you don’t love yourself.

When you’re not living in contentment, you’re often living disappointed. You finally get somewhere that you thought would bring contentment but the happiness doesn’t last. You get a salary you think will make you feel secure, but you soon need more.

Moral of the story, our contentment is not ‘out there’ hiding in any sort of future place that we might get to some day. It’s not hidden in a future partner, job, or dream.

Our contentment is right here, God-given, inside of us today, and it’s our job to take hold of it each and every day. My contentment lies in knowing my true identity - that I am already more than enough, because I was created that way by God. I have been created on purpose, for a purpose. I am fully loved, and there’s nothing that I can achieve or do that will make Him love me more.

When I accept my true identity, I am free from living in the bondage of discontentment and striving.

I am free to live in the fullness of peace, love, and acceptance. I have to choose to accept this love and peace for myself, and for those around me.

To be honest, even though I know where my contentment lies, there are so many times I still struggle with not feeling content. These are the times I have to come back to this truth. When the days sweep me into striving and achieving, I have to remind myself whose I am, and my invite value that already lies within.

Being content isn’t a one time decision. It’s a choice we make, over and over again, that who we are, where we are, what we have - is enough.

And as many times as we run away from that truth, it is always living deep within us, available for us to grasp, if only we have the courage to accept it.

Do you ever feel bad when something good happens to you?

DON’T!

As they say, we are blessed to bless again

This world is tough. Especially right now. 2020 has been filled with some awful things. Things that will shake you to your core and rock your world. Amidst all of the pain and suffering that is plaguing our nation, when good things do happen to us, celebrating can feel kind of…wrong. I find myself almost feeling guilty when anything good happens, because of the distress others are facing at the same time.

It is always a good time to be thankful for the things in our life that bring us joy.

However, it is not wrong to celebrate something good.

It is always a good time to be thankful for the things in our life that bring us joy.

It is always the right time to live with a grateful spirit.

Get rid of the guilt, and take on the responsibility.

If you are given something in life, whether it be a talent, time, money, a job - develop what you have to its full potential and use it to be a gift to others. We are all given a different lot in life and it doesn’t do anyone any good if we are constantly looking around, comparing - feeling superior or inferior, or bad about the good things we’ve been given.

In these difficult times, the world only needs goodness more. We need people who are willing to step up and use the good things they have to begin a ripple that will impact people for the better.

Your guilt doesn’t help anyone, your actions do.

Do not waste time feeling bad about the good things you have been given in life - use the good things you have to lift others up! 

Feeling like a failure? Maybe you’re actually in the right place.

And I guarantee you are doing better than you think.

A little revelation I thought I’d share...I have really struggled with feeling like a failure. No matter the triumphs, I often inwardly battle with feeling under qualified, or like I am constantly trying to catch up.

The more I learn the more I realize how much more there is to learn, which makes me feel incompetent...like I have somehow dropped the ball.

But then it occurred to me that just because there is a gap between what I know now and the things I would like to know does not mean that the gap is failure - the gap is a growing space, a good place.

I realized that surrounding myself with people and experiences who have more knowledge and wisdom to share is probably a great place to be.

Living in a space where my world is expanding is not living in a place of failure.

I should be scared when I find myself in a place where I think I know everything and have it all figured out. Because I don’t, and I never will. Nobody can.

So maybe I’m not failing, maybe I’m actually doing the opposite...growing, learning, changing. And maybe it’s challenging and uncomfortable, but I think it’s the place I want to be.

And quite frankly I hope I am always in a place of developing...because there will ALWAYS be more to learn. 

If you’re feeling like a failure today, reframe your thinking. Shift your mindset. You may find you’re in just the right place. And I guarantee you are doing much better than you think!

My white dress…and no, it’s not for a wedding

This is me at my white dress event in my mid twenties. I’m not getting married. Not even close. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

The 92nd Academy Awards

February 9th, 2020

I used to have this thing about formal white dresses. I didn’t want a white prom dress, or a long white dress for anything. I wanted to make my white dress debut on my wedding day that I would daydream and Pinterest about, because finding a man who loved me was of upmost importance to my younger self.

Little did I know how much my heart would change. Years later... This weekend the dress I ordered for the Oscars didn’t come in. My sister and I rushed to Nordstrom the night before and she found this dress within minutes. I loved it. 

The next morning while she was getting me ready for one of the most exciting days of my life, my teenage white dress proposition came to mind. And it hit me.

Here I am, at 24, in a white dress, living out my wildest dreams, and it doesn’t involve a man, at all. Standing on my own two feet, stronger and more secure than I’ve ever been.

Walking towards my purpose, not a person. Whole and fulfilled on my own by the grace of God. This is what my heart truly needed. To love my reflection, discover who I am, restore my brokenness, and not wait for someone else to come along and take away my problems or fill my voids. More than finding the right person, I needed to become the person I wanted to be, aside from anyone else. And I’m proud of the woman staring back at me in that white dress. I have fought years to become her. 

Maybe I’ll fall in love one day, maybe I won’t. Either way, I will live a completely full and thrilling life. 

To those who ask why I’m not dating, there you have it. I am working on becoming her. There is still much to do. And she is worth it. I wouldn’t trade her for the world. 

Wherever you are on your journey, whoever you are or aren’t with, I hope you know that you are infinitely valuable and loved, whole and equip with everything you need, inside of you.