When is enough, enough?
The curse of discontentment never ends, unless we can figure out how to break the cycle.
I feel like I have gone through my entire life, not ever truly content. No matter what I have or achieve, I seem to be one of those people who always wants more. I often wonder, when will enough be enough?
Will I go through my entire life never truly satisfied because I am reaching for some feeling of satisfaction that may not exist here on this Earth?
My feelings of discontent have stolen my joy and robbed me of celebrations. The problem with not being content is that you always think that the next accomplishment, success, or phase of life will make it better, and bring that feeling of having arrived - but it never does. You get accepted into that college, then you need a job. You get the job, but then you need a better job. You get a better job, but then you need a promotion, and so on and so forth.
The truth is, the curse of discontentment never really ends, unless we can figure out how to break the cycle, right here, right now. So how do we find contentment?
That’s probably one of the biggest questions of my life. For those of us who are never satisfied, when is what we have enough? Maybe the real question lies within - when are we enough for ourselves? Because if I am not enough for me - nothing I ever do or accomplish, or obtain, or build will ever be enough either.
I used to think that always wanting more and never being satisfied was a good thing. I mean, it motivated me to always be better and reach for higher goals. But, if I don’t learn to be content along the way, how much is ‘better’ really worth? It’s a vicious cycle that pushes you forward but doesn’t provide time and space for the peace and joy that is worth much more than achieving success you can’t fully embrace and enjoy.
I thought that it was okay to be hard on myself, because even if I was unsatisfied with myself internally, I wasn’t hurting people around me. However, that is simply untrue.
When I can’t learn to be content with myself, I can’t be content with anyone else either.
If I don’t know how to receive grace, I can’t give grace out to others. I can’t hold myself to an impossible standard and expect that there won’t be collateral damage to those around me, and the standards I am holding them to, whether I know it or not.
It’s the age old saying - you can’t love if you don’t love yourself.
When you’re not living in contentment, you’re often living disappointed. You finally get somewhere that you thought would bring contentment but the happiness doesn’t last. You get a salary you think will make you feel secure, but you soon need more.
Moral of the story, our contentment is not ‘out there’ hiding in any sort of future place that we might get to some day. It’s not hidden in a future partner, job, or dream.
Our contentment is right here, God-given, inside of us today, and it’s our job to take hold of it each and every day. My contentment lies in knowing my true identity - that I am already more than enough, because I was created that way by God. I have been created on purpose, for a purpose. I am fully loved, and there’s nothing that I can achieve or do that will make Him love me more.
When I accept my true identity, I am free from living in the bondage of discontentment and striving.
I am free to live in the fullness of peace, love, and acceptance. I have to choose to accept this love and peace for myself, and for those around me.
To be honest, even though I know where my contentment lies, there are so many times I still struggle with not feeling content. These are the times I have to come back to this truth. When the days sweep me into striving and achieving, I have to remind myself whose I am, and my invite value that already lies within.
Being content isn’t a one time decision. It’s a choice we make, over and over again, that who we are, where we are, what we have - is enough.
And as many times as we run away from that truth, it is always living deep within us, available for us to grasp, if only we have the courage to accept it.
My white dress…and no, it’s not for a wedding
This is me at my white dress event in my mid twenties. I’m not getting married. Not even close. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.
The 92nd Academy Awards
February 9th, 2020
I used to have this thing about formal white dresses. I didn’t want a white prom dress, or a long white dress for anything. I wanted to make my white dress debut on my wedding day that I would daydream and Pinterest about, because finding a man who loved me was of upmost importance to my younger self.
Little did I know how much my heart would change. Years later... This weekend the dress I ordered for the Oscars didn’t come in. My sister and I rushed to Nordstrom the night before and she found this dress within minutes. I loved it.
The next morning while she was getting me ready for one of the most exciting days of my life, my teenage white dress proposition came to mind. And it hit me.
Here I am, at 24, in a white dress, living out my wildest dreams, and it doesn’t involve a man, at all. Standing on my own two feet, stronger and more secure than I’ve ever been.
Walking towards my purpose, not a person. Whole and fulfilled on my own by the grace of God. This is what my heart truly needed. To love my reflection, discover who I am, restore my brokenness, and not wait for someone else to come along and take away my problems or fill my voids. More than finding the right person, I needed to become the person I wanted to be, aside from anyone else. And I’m proud of the woman staring back at me in that white dress. I have fought years to become her.
Maybe I’ll fall in love one day, maybe I won’t. Either way, I will live a completely full and thrilling life.
To those who ask why I’m not dating, there you have it. I am working on becoming her. There is still much to do. And she is worth it. I wouldn’t trade her for the world.
Wherever you are on your journey, whoever you are or aren’t with, I hope you know that you are infinitely valuable and loved, whole and equip with everything you need, inside of you.